icedark_elf | Fic: Zack's List, part 03

Title: ~~Skippy's~~Zack's List part-03
Author: GW Katrina aka

icedark_elf
Series: ~~Skippy's~~Zack's List
Wordcount: 1,308
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack. Sheer crack.

A/N: This is based off the 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to do in the US Army. I'm doing half, because

artimusdin is evil and put the idea in my head, and

pegunicent is doing the other half+1, and is evil for encouraging the idea. And I blame

raisedbymoogles for writing something that inspired me to write more on this.

I cannot trade my CO to the Wutanese.

It technically made him a traitor.

Zack was pretty sure he could live with it. The man was a menace. He torched villages that hadn't done anything wrong, tortured people who were innocent. He let his own men get killed if he didn't like what they did.

He wasn't sure what had finally made him do it. Wasn't sure if it was the looks on the woman's face, blackened by soot and looking full of fear as the man ordered her taken to his tent, or if it was seeing someone being sent home after taking an injury that would have healed right if the bastard hadn't ordered nobody to heal him. Not that it stopped the guy from getting medical help, but it had been delayed, dangerously so.

It was treason, really.

But when Zack managed to convince a few locals that he had a proposition for them, well....

Nobody asked why he suddenly had much needed supplies for his men, and there was a particularly messy ambush that ended up with the commander of the unit dead.

Sephiroth, his next commander, had looked at him with strangely knowing eyes, but said nothing.

Zack got the feeling he had just solved one of the man's problems.

I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

"Zack, this is not a conversation I want to be having. Ever."

"Oh, come on. I know you've looked. Everyone's looked. It's those damn leather pants of his. And it's not like Angeal, who advertises."

Jacson gave his friend a glare. "Gah, I don't need these mental images. Okay? It's hard enough being the straight one of you crack-heads without you putting images like that in my brain."

"Hey, I like girls too," came the reply from more than one of the group, who were sitting around a barrel, playing a hand of poker, including Zack. He continued on. "But it's Sephiroth, man. I can't believe there is -anyone- under his command who hasn't checked him out at least once. I totally blame those pants. Don't know who gave him those to wear, but we should totally thank them."

"I picked them out myself, actually," came the dry voice from the shadows. There were strangled sounds and scrambling as people stood, feeling slightly nervous about the fact that the general had overheard them. "May I ask how this conversation started?"

"Sure," Zack started, "we were talking about your mmrph!" His words trailed off, cut off by Jacson's hand.

"Sorry, Sir," the older man replied. "I think Fair has been a bit bouncy from the fight earlier."

Cool green eyes looked over them all. Then, surprisingly, there was the faintest hint of a smile.

"Maybe next time," he said as he turned to leave, "Fair should just come to me if he wishes to discuss my genitals. I'm sure that it would be much more entertaining on both our parts."

As he vanished into the darkness, the group blinked, and Zack nipped the hand on his mouth until it went away. "Did I...just get propositioned to?" he asked, eyes wide.

"I think so," came the answer.

The grin that suddenly showed up on Zack's face didn't bode well on anyone.

Crucifying mice - bad idea.

Some days, it really didn't pay to get up.

Any day he had to deal with Hojo, for example. Those were -always- days he wished he could crawl back into bed and not come out.

Seemed the man had that affect on other people as well. Good to know it wasn't just him.

Still, this was a bit extreme.

"You are going to end up in a psych ward," he said, watching as his roommate continued to hum and do something to a mouse he had caught. Seemed to be spearing the thing's paws to a piece of wood. Not good at all.

"Maybe," came the absent voice, eyes burning green due to the recent Mako shot. "Or maybe I'll just deal with anyone who tries to put me there."

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Glancing at the door, Zack settled in to wait. He didn't dare leave the man alone for now. Later, he'd have to report this, but right now was just for keeping him from deciding to move on to bigger prey.

Must not use Shin-Ra's equipment to bootleg pornography.

"You do things like this on purpose, don't you?"

Zack glanced at his friend with a grin. "Well, yeah. Accidents like this don't happen without careful, careful planning. Which would make it not an accident and on purpose."

"May I ask why you are doing this?" Sephiroth looked at him, tone dry and a look of expectation in his eyes. He was obviously waiting for some convoluted explanation from Zack, who was going to do his best to give it to Seph.

"Well, we got a building full of young men, most of which don't have much to do with their time. And porn is always entertaining, really, so it's in the best interest for me to provide our troops with things to keep them occupied."

Rubbing a hand over his face, Sephiroth sighed. Zack was pleased to realize that he had his own personalized Seph-sigh. He mentally added it to his collection, as he seemed to get personalized sighs a lot. Pure talent, obviously.

"You know, I would be so much more tempted to believe that," the taller man said, eyes narrowing slightly at Zack, "if you weren't selling them."

"Got to cover the bribes somehow."

He didn't know where Seph got the newspaper, or ever where he got the idea for using the newspaper. But when the rolled up paper swatted him on the head, he couldn't help but blink.

"No. Bad Zack. Stop using Shin-Ra's supplies to copy porn and sell it to the troops. Bad."

The droll tone made Zack start to snicker. "What the hell?" he asked between laughs.

"A suggestion from Angeal," was his only answer.

I cannot arrest children for being rude.

"Let them out."

"But they don't learn a lesson that way."

Oooh, a glare, and Zack just smiled shamelessly back.

"Let them out. You can't go around arresting kids, anyway. It is -not- your job." Sephiroth glared. "Especially when you do it and teach them bad habits."

Zack hold up a finger in protest. "Didn't teach them nothing. Maybe their parents should pay more attention to them. Then they wouldn't be rude to me, and I wouldn't lock them up."

"Zackary, you can't go around 'arresting' the children of the upper level managers of Shin-Ra. They complain. Which means -I- get complained at. I deal with the President enough as is, and I do not -wish- to have to hear him complain at me more than he does now."

"Fine, fine," Zack sighed. "I'll figure out something else to do to the little brats. Got to teach them manners somehow."

"Zack...."

The growl made him shoot a grin at Seph as he made for the door. The man needed more teasing in his life. "Maybe I'll make them attend one of those meetings we keep going to. That'll teach them to avoid management, if nothing else. So we won't have to deal with them later."

"Zack, get back here. Now."

Ooh, a chase. Well, he was up for it. Even if it was a slow, stalking chase. Always fun. Grinning at Seph, he slipped out the door, hearing the man follow. One way to get him out of his office.

He knew he'd pay for it later, but getting Seph to leave that room was always a goal. So he counted it as a win, and made an attempt at escape.

Now, can I bribe anyone into making an icon for this little series?

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Date: 2007-10-23 08:48 pm (UTC)

From:

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