Fic: Zack's List part-01(FFVII, Zack, Sephiroth, OCs, PG-13)

[icedark_elf]

Title: Skippy'sZack's List part-01
Author: GW Katrina aka icedark_elf
Beta: forgottenlover
Series: Skippy'sZack's List
Wordcount: 1,568
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack. Sheer crack.

A/N: This is based off the 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to do in the US Army. I'm doing half, because artimusdin is evil and put the idea in my head, and pegunicent is doing the other half+1, and is evil for encouraging the idea.


Skippy'sZack's List

Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

Zack hated phone duty. Not as much as paperwork, but he disliked it almost as much. The monotony of it made him want to nap, and that usually got him yelled at, but then it was back to the same, slow drag. Same questions, same people, same stupid ring.

Like now.

Glaring at the phone, wondering if his superior would notice it if he just broke the damn thing, Zack figured he would. So, instead of shoving the thing off the desk, he answered it instead.

"Hello. How can I direct your call?"

"I'm looking for something."

Stomping the urge to turn that line into a philosophical discussion, Zack also strangled the desire to sigh. "What might that be, sir?"

"I'm not sure. I know that it's supposed to help keep people from disturbing me as I work."

Must. Not. Knock. Self. Out. Absently wondering if he could actually knock himself out by slamming his head against the desk, and curious on if he would succeed before breaking the desk, Zack found his mouth moving without his brain directing. "Oh. I can help you with that, sir. It's called "Getov'rit." Wonderful thing."

Confused silence at the other end. "Geto'rit?"

"Getov'rit. G, e, t, o, v, apostrophe, r, i, t."

"Oh." The man still sounded confused. "Who do I ask for that?"

"Let me connect you to Supplies."

Transferring the call before the man could protest, Zack grinned. Then he noticed Gene next to him, the man looking at him in awestruck horror. "Did you just tell him to get over it?"

Innocent look on his face, Zack blinked at him. "Maybe." He grinned at the other's laughter.

The next day, Zack was off of phone duty.

Not allowed to train adopted stray chocobo to “Sic Brass!”

If Zack had had ears that let him, he was sure that they would have been folded back from the sheer amount of yelling directed his way. He really hated the sergeant who was currently screaming at him and three others. It wasn't like they had -known- that the training time had been changed. Nobody had bothered to tell any of them.

He had a sneaking suspicion that the man before them had done that on purpose. Or maybe the guy was just an asshole. One or the other, and Zack was really starting to get irritated with it. Just like he had been since the man first started yelling. If it had been a month ago, he would have just assumed he was like the drill sergeant, but he had seen the man be almost reasonable with other people in their squad, so he really couldn't figure it out.

"Do you have anything to say for yourselves!?" the man screamed, and Zack had a split second to wonder absently if the man was about to have that vein in his forehead pop. Then he was too busy to wonder.

"Yes, Sir," he piped up, sounding as innocent as he could. Brown eyes focused and glared at him.

"And what would that be, soldier?"

"Sic Brass!"

He could just -see- the question forming in the man's eyes, but before the words could reach the other's mouth, there was a flurry of warking and yellow feathers, and Zack had the joy of watching realization kick in just before the man started to run, a chocobo hot on his tail.

Zack knew the bird wouldn't really -hurt- the man. Too bad. But, yeah, however much trouble he was about to get into, this was so work it.

A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

Sephiroth blinked at the map. Then he paused and rubbed his eyes, sure that he had simply imaged that. He hadn't been getting nearly enough sleep, even for him, and it was making him hallucinate.

It was still there.

"Zackary," he said calmly, feeling more than seeing the other react. It was an odd mix of a flinch and a twitch. Zack hated it when someone, anyone, called him Zackary, but he knew when Sephiroth used it, it was because there was something wrong. Something he was very sure Zack had a hand in doing.

Well, it was a valid reaction, as that usually was why Sephiroth used it.

"Yeah, Seph?"

"Come here, Zachary."

Grimacing, Zack got up and joined Sephiroth. "Yeah?"

"Could you perhaps tell me what that is?"

Zack looked down, following where Sephiroth was pointing, then smiled. "It's a smiley face."

Sephiroth hummed. "Do you know what these markings mean, Zackary?" It was cruel to keep repeating something that Zack hated hearing, but he was attempting to make sure the man -kept- listening to him.

Violet eyes almost rolled. He saw them start and then focus on him again. "Yes, Sephiroth," Zack said calmly, getting full name for full name. Too bad for him that hearing his full name didn't actually bother Sephiroth.

"And what would they mean?"

"Mines."

"Very good. So, tell me, Zackary, -why- is there a smiley face in the middle of the mine field portion of the map?"

"Oooh, is that what this is about?" Zack grinned. "I got a bunch of stickers, and the smiley faces were bright and I knew people would look at them. So then they would notice the mines marked there."

It was logic. Twisted, horribly mutated Zack-logic.

"Don't do it again."

"Fine."

The next day, the mine fields were marked with bright orange flower stickers.

Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

Zack look at the class. "So, now that we've managed to not blow ourselves up, does anyone have any idea what we would do with a mine afterwards?"

A sea of blank eyes looked at him, and he smiled at them. "Well, this particular model has a fun little secret. If you'll hold on one moment...." Pulling out the knife he carried on his belt, Zack worried at the claymore for a moment, finally causing it to crack in half. Sliding the knife back into its sheathe, he pushed at the device.

"As you can see," he said, as a multitude of colorful wrappers spilled out, "this particular model is filled with candy. Particularly yummy candies if you ask me, but that is only my personal opinion. Some soldiers prefer the ones that are filled with chocolates and the like, but a good hard candy lasts longer and doesn't go gooey as bad sitting in the sun like chocolates do."

"ZACKARY!"

Sephiroth's yell, something only a few people heard, got a gasp, flinch, and wide eyes from the group of new soldiers. It only got a grin out of Zack.

"And if you'll excuse me...Class is dismissed, come back tomorrow to hear about which bullets actually are licorice."

With that, Zack was moving, bounding out the window, Sephiroth close on his heels.

Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

Zack didn't want to be here. At all. Making small, pathetic whines in the back of his throat, he saw Sephiroth sigh from the corner of his eye. The other man was having just as hard a time at trying to not fall over, and Zack was sure that his own whines weren't helping. But it was hot, and he was tired, and there were bugs, and he was tired of listening to Shinra drone on and on and on.

"Now that we have our glorious victory...."

"Which I sat on my ass for and let everyone else go fight," Zack muttered under his breath, ignoring Seph's sharp look from the corner of his eye.

"Today, we bring you, the people of Wutai, the powers of Mako energy."

"Which you didn't want and fought a war to avoid having."

"Zackary," Seph hissed, both of them keeping their voice too low to be heard by most people. Zack could hear the faint coughs and slightly uncomfortable noises that the other SOLDIERs on the podium were making, but he ignored them, continuing his editing of President Shinra's speech.

Sephiroth was due to give a small speech after this, and Zack knew this probably wasn't helping any, but he was rather disgusted at the one who was currently speaking. So, with no pause, he continued to mock, daring to get a slight bit louder so that the more unenhanced around him would also be able to hear.

"So help me, Zachary, after we get done, I am going to make you muck out the chocobo stables. With a teaspoon."

Seph's threat was low and there was a definite growl, which made Shinra stutter for a moment, then move back into the flow of his speech.

By now, the press seemed to notice all the fidgeting in the group around Zack, and that only encouraged him. He made the faintest of faces at certain things, some how he really felt, some just silly face.

He was paying for it later, but, right now, he was letting off steam, and Seph looked ready to strangle him, which was giving him something to focus on other than being bored.

Okay, it wasn't the best system, but Zack was still working on it.

Maybe, if he was lucky, he'd get banned from press events.