Fic: Zack's List pt 2 (FFVII, Zack, Sephiroth, OCs, PG-13)

[icedark_elf]

Title: Skippy'sZack's List part-02
Author: GW Katrina aka icedark_elf
Beta: skeren
Series: Skippy'sZack's List
Wordcount: 1,660
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack. Sheer crack.

A/N: This is based off the 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to do in the US Army. I'm doing half, because artimusdin is evil and put the idea in my head, and pegunicent is doing the other half+1, and is evil for encouraging the idea.

Skippy'sZack's List



Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

"Zackary."

"Seph, you -know- I hate it when you call me that."

"Yes, I do." Green cat-eyes were cool. "Tell me, -Zackary-, why did you think it would be funny to start comparing that man to a tub of lard? -After- calling him the President's twin of stubborn ignorance?"

Innocent eyes. Like those worked on Sephiroth now. As if those had -ever- worked on Sephiorth. "Because it's true? It's not like any of it will actually make it into the paper. Shin-Ra has those idiots right in their pocket. That's why nothing bad ever gets published."

Sephiroth sighed. "Possibly. However, now I have to do without you for a month because I've been "requested" to send you to Icicle Inn area. Seems they've been having monster issues, and you are the one being sent to deal with them."

The look of horror on Zack's face was immediate. "But it's -cold- up there!"

"Indeed. You leave tomorrow morning. I hope your stunt was worth it."

"Maybe. That guy turning purple was pretty funny.

Sephiroth simply sighed.




I am not authorized to change national policy in Wutai.

"Sir, are you sure that...?"

"Of course," Zack said cheerfully, grinning at all the young faces that looked at him. Had he looked that way, just a year ago? So...puppy-like? Gods, he hoped not, but he had a good feeling he had. However, he already knew he hadn't been quite so gullible. After all, he was a prankster. Pranksters were good at picking out when other people were trying to pull a fast one.

Wasn't he lucky that none of these kids were as good at spotting lies as he had been?

"All right, does everyone remember what the new changes are?" He grinned, but no more than he always did, and that seemed to settle a few of the people still frowning slightly. One or two were still suspicious looking, but they didn't voice any complaints.

Of course, two days later, he knew exactly -why- Seph had called him into the older man's office.

"Zackary."

Oh, yeah, knew why he was here. The man only used his full name when Zack was in trouble.

"Yeah, Seph?" he asked cheerfully. Just because he knew didn't mean he'd have to admit it.

"Do you remember what I told you a month ago? When we first started the negotiations for peace?"

"Um...no?" A complete lie, and the other man knew it. Zack smiling shamelessly as green eyes narrowed at him.

"Zackary."

Oooh, he had got the exasperated tone. He was going to loosen the man up yet, and frustration seemed to work just as well as friendship. And given Zack still had his head, he figured Seph liked him well enough, frustration and all.

"Oh, you mean the whole thing about changing policy?"

"Yes." Short, clipped word.

He gave Seph the innocent face. "So you really meant that?"

"Yes, Zackary, I did. I especially want to know why a large number of our green troops, who are supposed to be here only as a learning experience, have begun to toss gum at the children of Wutai. While I am grateful that it is still wrapped and not actually chewed up gum, I do wonder -why- they are doing it. I have gotten complaints from various adults, who deal with these children in their home."

"Gesture of goodwill," Zack said, smiling easily. He had had the official excuse made up since he had started to tell the new troops to give out gum to any kid that spoke to them. And he was well aware of how small children and bubble gum mixed.

"Well, as my gesture of goodwill," Sephiroth said calmly, signing off on a sheet of paper, "I'm sending you, along with a small group of assistants, to help clean up all the gum."

"Seph...." Before he could even start a whine, the other held up his hand.

"Perhaps it will help you remember that you aren't -allowed- to change policy in Wutai, Zackary."

Maybe it would. Zack did notice, though, that he hadn't been forbidden to change policy elsewhere. He grinned at his friend, already plotting the next prank.

They'd be back in Midgar soon enough.




I am not qualified to operate any Shin-Ra, Wutai, Mideel, or Fort Condor Armored vehicles.

Sephiroth looked at the mess that he was seeing all around. Zack was responsible for this, he just knew it.

How the man managed to cause such chaos and not be removed for the military, Sephiroth wasn't sure. He wasn't even sure why they let him have sharp objects. Absently looking over the vehicles that were still moving, he moved towards where a mess of spiky black hair was leaning out of one of them.

"Why," he said, calm, far too used to events like this to get upset anymore, "are you driving this?" It was some type of Wutai made armored vehicle.

"Cause it's fun. Hop in, we'll see how steep a hill we can go up."

"No."

Zack gave him the eyes, as if those worked on him. "You aren't qualified to drive this class of vehicle, Zack."

Actually, he wasn't sure if Zack was qualified to drive any class of vehicle. He also knew that the man didn't seem to consider that a reason to not drive something. Thus the bike the man babied and enjoyed driving like a maniac. Though Sephiroth found he couldn't blame Zack for that, as most SOLDIERs, including Sephiroth himself, had motorcycles they rode.

"Best way to learn, right? Besides, we haven't broken too many of them."

"You shouldn't be able to break them at all."

"They built them too fragile."

He wondered how the SOLDIER psychological testing could have failed so miserably.




When saluting a “de” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "SOLDIER leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

The worse thing Zack was sure he had to deal with were the officers who had wanted to be SOLDIERs and had washed out. It could have been any number of causes, but they seemed to take it out on every single successful SOLDIER. Jealousy, he figured. Hating people who did what they couldn't.

Most of the SOLDIERs had nicknamed those people "dull eyes", partly because they didn't have the Mako glow, partly because every time those officers looked at a SOLDIER, they got a look of sullen anger in them. Made them look not so bright, thus the name. Not the most cheerful of people.

For the most part, Zack could ignore the looks. He got a lot of them, after all. Spending so much time around Seph had prompted a lot of jealousy from all corners, especially when the man had made him his SiC and was actually depending on him for things.

Still, at times, he really had to tweak the noses of the worst des. The ones who did their best to make any SOLDIERs life miserable. Mostly to thirds, and some seconds. Most firsts were just considered too high in rank, though a few of the officers had gotten fairly up there in ranks.

Which was probably why it wasn't a good idea to start all interactions with them with a phrase that guaranteed a poor response from the de. Zack was pretty sure that the man in front of him was going to have a heart attack, given how purple he was. Still, the man had been causing a mess of red tape as he had blocked attempt after attempt of several SOLDIER squads from getting needed supplies. So if he did get replaced, maybe they'd get someone better suited to the job.

"What did you say?" snarled the man.

"I said," Zack answered cheerfully. "SOLDIER leads the way. Then I remembered who you were and apologized. Sir."

The man wasn't his superior, and Zack was going to milk it for everything he could. One more enemy to add to the list, sure, but at least if the man was focused on hating him, he wouldn't harass the others quite so much.




There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

When the officers found out who had hacked into the com system, they were going to lock them up and throw away the key. Most bets were on one person, but given that he was very much in the public eye at the moment, there was questions of who he had gotten to help him pull this off.

There was no doubt who the rest of this little group were, as all dozen of them were up on the top of the vehicles, most of them stripping. In time and step with each other. More than one of the officers watching wished that the new troops put that much dedication into something like learning how to not shoot each other in the foot.

The other officers wished they could bend like that.

None of them made a move to actually pull the guilty ones down, as the mob that was watching would probably revolt, and wouldn't that be a fine thing? The greatest military in the world, done in because some of the higher ups couldn't wait for Zack and his squad to get done doing a strip show to drag them off to cool their heels behind bars.

Plus, it was a nice show. Whoever had done their dance moves had done a fine job, taking into account the men doing the dance and their abilities.

Someone had to be recording this, and would make a good profit. Several of the officers wondered if that was the plan all along.

They'd ask Zack later. After the man put some clothing back on.


And check it out here for some awesome from chofi. Because it is totally awesome.